10 confessions

I have a friend who is posting 10 thoughts each Tuesday. Each week I am amazed at the stuff she writes; she's clever and piercing and profound and now I love Tuesdays.

I don't have ten profound things to share with the internet today. I can't think of a day where I had ten even interesting things to share with you. Some days I think, "That might make the blog..." but then I have to make some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, change a diaper, be the opposing army in a playmobil battle... actually, I could probably list ten things I need to do at any given moment but that isn't a blog; that's a to-do list. And we all have to-do lists. Mine isn't worth the time it takes to edit and publish.

But after some thought, I discovered that I do have a list. I have a list of things that are making me happy these days. But they're also embarrassing to admit to. I have a list of confessions. And maybe happy is the wrong word. In fact, I know it is for at least one of these things, but it's a little catchier for blogging purposes. Anyways, without further adieu... here's my list of 10 Embarrassingly Happy Things:

1. Purple nailpolish. How could I know? There was no way for me to know. Purple nailpolish just found me last week and I am never going back.

2. New Moon. Go ahead and judge me. If I am willing to post this to the internet, I am willing to face the ridicule. I wish I could be esoteric here (is that even possible with Twilight?) but the truth is, I watched it twice in the 24 hour period of our rental. I just loved me some vampire romance. The thing is, I'm not into vampires. I usually think that stuff is scary and weird and if I did like it, I'd like to think I'd prefer Anne Rice because she has to be a better writer than Stephenie Meyer. But that's the thing, I'm not into vampires and Twilight is more about fairy tale. And obsessive teenage love/lust with a dash of werewolf. Really now, who's not into that?

3. Public School. Homeschooling has been mein kampf. I love homeschooling in theory. I love my friends who homeschool. I love homeschooling blogs, except that I feel slovenly when I read all the creative things other homeschool families are doing. I've had to deal with some guilt here as I've come to grips with the fact that I am not willing to discipline myself to sit down with a math curriculum everyday. I am good at some things. I am. But I'm really not good at homeschooling and that's embarrassing. A more accurate and more embarrassing statement: I don't want to homeschool. Ash and I love learning and reading: we're intentional about nurturing this in our children. Our hope is that we'll be able to better encourage a love of learning through the public school system. AND! We'll be involved in the public school system which is something we've wanted for faith reasons. I'm excited to be involved in the community through public school. So it's sick that I'm already excited about Fall, but that's how things stand.

4. Sierra Trading Post. Because I just found myself a pair of Keen shoes (style:Portola; color: Brindle) for half their retail value. I have to appreciate a good pair of shoes because they are the one thing that I haven't had to look for in a larger size since becoming a mother.

5. $12 Levis. Finding cheap jeans that look okay eliminates the need to hurtle my body around the track at the sports center. How happy am I? Words cannot say. There is a humbling scene I'd like to offer though: Me, hurtling my post-partum body around the sports center track, coming up behind an older man to pass him. Said older man turns, and actually says, "Oh! I thought I was being overtaken by a clydesdale!" Really?! You mistook me for a 2000 lb beast with four hooves? Lovely. I can't believe I apologized. I'd like a do-over there. I'll be content with pants that fit though.

6. My Gynocologist's Office. It's true. There's probably some rules in the blogosphere about not ever, ever, ever using the word gynocologist in a post, but here I am. And not just because I am still in the afterglow of my precious son being yanked from my womb into life with oxygen (c-section, if you'll remember), but because they (read: my really good friend who works in the office) asked me to be part of the commercial they are making. It's an internet commercial so now I can write "Youtube Sensation" on my bucket list AND cross it off. All because of my gynocologist.

7. Facebook. I'm trying it. I held out for a REALLY long time, right? I thought it would be creepier than a vampire story. I thought friend requests would be weird and uncomfortable (which they kinda are, because I tend to take the term "friend" literally but that's not the way it works in facebook world apparently). But family wants more pictures and... come to find out, I'm checking my account every day. Come to find out, I don't want to miss stuff like, "Johanna Doner to Saran Brown: Now that we're friends on facebook, we don't have to talk in real life. Or maybe I'll just come over and write on your real wall" or "Wearing elastic pants eternally, or at least until glorified, Sarah N." That kind of stuff is worth it all.

8. Every conversation that starts with, "You know that scene in The Office?" Most of the time I do know that scene and it's a good one, therefore it's a good conversation.

9. Mud Puddles. I'm embracing the fact that my spring will never be a daffodil sort of spring. April showers will never bring May flowers here. Spring in Alaska is a mud lucsious and puddle wonderful affair. Mud puddles are making me silly happy these days.

10. Piercing Grace. No. I am not in the middle of anything painful. This one just involves my thought life. I've been hearing some powerful sermons on the grace that God gives us. I'm not accustomed to calling the painful and hard stuff in life "grace." I want grace to be comfortable and safe. I want grace to be about rescuing us from pain. It turns out that grace can also be the pain itself. There have been events in my life, let alone choices, that have been heart-wrenching to me. I would have said that grace was the relief from the wrench. But it was the wrenching that changed me. It was the wrenching that taught me. It was the pain that caused me to fall on my knees before the Throne of Grace, asking for mercy. Grace was God using those events and choices to make me holy, not happy. I wish I could have learned several things the easy way- things like I am wretch and I'd suffocate without God's goodness to me, but pain seared grace into my soul. While flailing in failure, God has taught me so much about my desparate need for a rescuer.

That last one really has nothing to do with happiness, but because it has everything to do with being humbled, it makes the cut.

And please, don't anyone leave a comment encouraging me to go back to the track. I will go back, but if you're going to comment, just leave that bruise alone.

So, in elastic waisted pants eternally, or at least until glorified, Sarah B.