messy

I've been babysitting a bunch this past month. Well, something like babysitting anyways. This past month has been a little messier than babysitting but that's all I can really share about that right now. It's actually all I know anyways. I wish I had more answers, but right now we have just hope and misunderstanding and concern and prayer. In the midst of whatever this is, I've been thinking a lot about me as a mom. With two babies around here, I am well aware of my shortcomings and how not enough I am. I don't have enough arms for all the things needed right now- things like diapers, bottles, homeschool, laundry, lunch and, well, everything.


But it's also something in me that's not enough. I hate how crabby my soul can be. I want to be doing exactly what we're doing here... I want us to jump into situations where we can extend God's grace. Because of Jesus, I want us to be reckless in the ministry of reconciliation- helping people know how to be reconciled with God. But I can be so short-tempered. And petty. And loads of other embarrassing things. All because I'm inconvenienced. My feelings and what I know is right have been wrestling this past month. I am not meeting the standards and expectations I have for myself as a wife and mom and forget about me being your friend. I've forgotten to be your friend this past month. I want to do hard things with more grace. All I have to offer, however, is transparency.



I'm a big believer in hard things not necessarily being bad things. I try to remind myself that when something is hard, I don't have to make it look easy. That takes a lot of pressure off me. That actually helps me keep perspective as a Christian, too. We're just right in the middle of a load of hard things sometimes and it doesn't make much sense to me to try and pretend that I can handle all of it. One of my pet peeves is that saying, "God never gives us more than we can handle." That's not biblical. It's nonsense. I know loads of people who are in heartwrenching situations; nobody can handle some of these situations. There are some losses in life that should I one day suffer, I am sure I'd suffocate. I am also sure God would continue to breathe for me, but I'd probably wish that He didn't for awhile. So I'm just saying, that in light of the sin in this world, there are loads of things that are hard- too much for me to handle even though I am desparately in love with Jesus. But while some hard things are evil, most hard things are just hard. And it honors God for me to admit how needy I am in those situations, too. I don't have to pretend: I'll learn more and grow in God's grace if I let my situation be hard and rely on God to be the steadfast, strong One. God will never give me more than HE can handle. I can let the hard things be hard.



I love Impressionist paintings. I am not an art student in any way, but if you're unfamiliar with that term, think of those painting that are beautiful from a distance, but messy up close. I think of me in those terms. Because of Jesus and how He unshackled me from my sin and despair, this life is going to be beautiful. Because this life will bear His signature, it can't be anything but brilliant. That's going to be the final outcome. Standing back, looking at everything, I think my life as a painting will be heartwrenching and breathtaking. But up close, geez, what a mess! Up close, you might get lost in the details. At times you'll probably think, "Well, now, that's actually ugly. How can that mess be redeemed?" But stand back again and take it all in... it will be clear that a brilliant artist was at work. Studying the mess up close will give a right understanding as to how magnificent the artist is: the artist took a mess and made a masterpiece. All those hard things will be redeemed and be some of those essential brushstrokes in my painting. The celebrations, joys, and contentment will be some of those brushstrokes, too, but right now, I am clinging to the knowledge that the hard and messy things will be made beautiful, too.